Who Wants To Be A Baby Daddy?!

Photo: Lee Thompson

Remember this happy family?

Well, now there are TWO other men boys claiming that they are, in fact, the father of apparent super-slut Chantelle Steadman‘s baby, not Alfie, our favorite barely-four-foot-tall-voice-hasn’t-dropped-yet-12-year-old-who-looks-like-he’s-8.

Whoa.

Basically, Chantelle is all like “Alfie’s is the only boy-penis I’ve had barely penetrate the outside of my vaginal wall” and her parents are all like, “We’re good parents – no one ever slept over.”  (Um, riiight.)

Then there are these other two losers who are all like, “We banged Super Slut Chantelle like all the time and stuff” and for some fucking reason they want to end their lives at 14 and 16 and become fathers. What the fuck is wrong with these kids!? You couldn’t have stuck me with a child when I was 14 years old if you super-glued it and the DNA test to my fucking dorky-ass L.L. Bean bookbag.

Basically Maury Povich needs to swoop on in and set this shit straight.

Here are the photos of the kids who want to throw their lives away:

I wanna be a baby daddy #1: Richard Goodsell, 16

I wanna be a baby daddy #2: Tyler Barker, 14

Related: My original post; The Sun’s original story; The Sun’s follow-up story.

Father at 13!!!

Holy fucking shit what a clusterfuck:

Thirteen-year-old Alfie Patten, “who looks about eight” and whose voice has not yet broken and is just FOUR FEET TALL, just became a father after a single instance of unprotected sex with his 15-year-old “girlfriend” Chantelle Steadman.

Photo: Lee Thompson

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

There is not enough bold and CAPS in the world for that paragraph slash can we discuss Chantelle’s apparent interest in boys who look like… little boys!?!?

And you know it’s coming: Chantelle lives with her mom, her unemployed dad, and her five brothers… on government assistance.

Nevertheless, the fundies are thrilled about the awesome life this child is doomed destined to live:

“[…] Michaela Aston, of the anti-abortion Christian charity LIFE, said: “We commend these teenagers for their courage in bringing their child into the world.  At the same time this is symptomatic of the over-sexualisation of our youngsters and shows the policy of value-free sex education just isn’t working.”

Yes, if it weren’t for the media, poor Alfie wouldn’t even know he had a penis.

SHOCKINGLY, this birth doesn’t break any British records:

Britain’s youngest known father is Sean Stewart. He became a dad at 12 when the girl next door, 15-year-old Emma Webster, gave birth in Sharnbrook, Bedford, in 1998.

The whole story (with more adorable creepy photos!) here.

Turn Left At Butt Hole Road

Photo: Russell Bates/Ross Parry Agency via NYTimes.com

NYT.com’s most e-mailed story right now is an amusing survey of completely ridiculous names for town and roads across Britain.  My favorites:

Spankerlane

Crotch Crescent

Tumbledown Dick Road  (Yes, seriously.)

Full read here.  And yes, someone made books for your coffee table: Rude Britain and Rude UK.  (X-mas 2009!)

Related: I drove through a town in Pennsylvania once that, if you look quickly, appeared to be “Mansasses.”  It led to endless jokes about “When were we last in Mansasses?” and “We should go for a ride in Mansasses” and “Mmm I just need some Mansasses.”   Good times.