Breaking News: Butt-Slapper Terrorizing Subway Passengers!

July 9, 2009
serial butt slapper

Serial Butt Slapper

WPIX-11 (“Yes, we have news”) is reporting that since June 19, a SERIAL BUTT SLAPPER – pause and repeat – A SERIAL BUTT SLAPPER has been terrorizing women while riding the subway near stations in Crown Heights.

According to reports, the women said, “Harder!” but the man refused to slap “harder.”

No, I kid.

Apparently this subtlety-challenged individual has been leaving hand prints on all sorts of ladies’ asses aged 19-44, to which I say: Ageist! Sexist! Homophobe! Spread the love, asshole!

Honestly, though, I think these women need to calm down a little.  Groping is the new flirtatious eye contact. Get with the ’00’s. If I didn’t routinely fondle strangers on the D-train at 4:00 AM on a Saturday, I wouldn’t have had half the meaningful 6-hour fuck parties relationships I’ve had.

These woman have been whining like they were kicked in the uterus or something so the police have said they’re working weally, weally hard on the case (yeah, right) but admit they haven’t made any arrests and THE BUTT SLAPPER IS STILL AT LARGE.

CUE SCARY MUSIC!


Seen At The Metropolitan Ave “G” Train Stop

April 17, 2009

fake-g-train-advisory

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

(Did you notice the top? Service Inadequacies. When? All The Time.)

Source; via Gothamist.


Subway Hero Chad Lindsey Speaks to Rachel Maddow

March 19, 2009

Chad Lindsey, the latest NYC subway hero that I wrote about here, spoke with Rachel Maddow last night. Rumor has it that Chad plays on our team…


Rescuing Someone From The Subway Tracks, New York Style

March 18, 2009
chad-lindsey-crop

Fred R. Conrad/NYT

The Times has a rather amusing profile of a charmingly “New York style” subway rescue.

[Chad] Lindsey said he sensed a train was approaching, because the platform was crowded. “I dropped my bag and jumped down there. I tried to wake him up,” he said. “He probably had a massive concussion at that point. I jumped down there and he just wouldn’t wake up, and he was bleeding all over the place.”

He looked back up at the people on the platform. “I yelled, ‘Contact the station agent and call the police!’ which I think is hilarious because I don’t think I ever said ‘station agent’ before in my life. What am I, on ‘24’?”

And what do you do after you rescue an unconscious man from the subway? Take the next train without even having the paramedics clean the stranger’s blood off of you, of course.

And Mr. Lindsey did just that – returning to the anonymous sea of people that is New York and escaping the notice of the police, the “station agent,” or the paramedics; he remained anonymous until a friend revealed his identity. “It was quite a New York day,” Mr. Lindsey said. Yes, indeed.

Source: Leap to Track. Rescue Man. Clamber Up. Catch a Train. (NYT)