To Do List Of The Unemployed

10 Subtle Ways To Tell Her She’s Getting Fat

AskMen.com, which has 7 million unique readers a month, has an incredibly useful list of ways to tell the woman in your life she’s becoming a bit too chunky to be seen with your perfect washboard abs and head full of thick, luscious hair.

I had to quote from the blurbs occasionally because they’re just that good. SNL couldn’t write this shit if they tried. Let the countdown begin! (Note: these are not meant to be comedic.)

10 – Buy her clothes that are too small (“You might say, ‘Oh, I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?'”)
09 – Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress relief”
08 – Set out on your own weight loss plan
07 – Serve her unsatisfactory portions  (“By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain…”)
06 – Improve your own diet
05 – Playfully grab her love handles
04 – Ask her to wear an old dress
03 – Sabotage her chair ( “…nothing says ‘better lose some weight’ like a broken chair.”)
02 – Leave “now” and “then” photos lying around
01 – Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit

And remember: “if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: ‘Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?’ Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.”

I don’t know how heteros ever manage to breed.

I mean, you’ve got men that have been made so fearful of talking to  women about weight that, as an alternative, we’re telling them to force women to ask for second helpings or to orchestrate the “accidental” breaking of chairs? I almost don’t know who I feel worse for: the women or the men.

Via Slog.

Music Spotlight: Imogen Heap

Am I the only one that expected her to be hotter?

Imogen Heap is a rather strange choice for a music spotlight since it’s been a while since she’s released anything major and there doesn’t seem to be anything on the horizon (more on that later). BUT, I was just able to get one of my all-time favorite Imogen tracks in a non-DRM format, so I needed an excuse to share it with you all.

Imogen is no stranger to lending her songs – original or otherwise – to compilation albums and if you only own “i Megaphone” or “Speak For Yourself,” here are some gems that definitely should be part of your collection.

“Glittering Clouds (Locusts)” is a great high-energy track full of building momentum and Imogen’s signature sound. It was tucked away on a compilation/concept  album in which each track is written about a different Biblical plague. (Random, I know). Imogen’s track is the clear stand-out on the album and it’s absolutely worth downloading.

Glittering Clouds (Locusts) (from “Plague Songs“)

Another great track you may have missed is the song she wrote for the first ‘Chronicles Of Narnia’ soundtrack. (Random, I know). Again: signature sound, very beautiful, and surprisingly good considering she wrote just for a movie.

Can’t Take It In (from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe)

“Not Now But Soon” was also written for a specific purpose: the Heroes TV soundtrack. Imogen also released it as a single and there was speculation that it would serve as the lead single for her frequently delayed new album, but that no longer appears to be the case: Direct Current Music reported on March 12 that the new album has a internal release date at RCA of July 14 with the lead single being the yet-unheard track “Canvas.”

Not Now But Soon

Enjoy!

Today In Octomom News: 8 Times The Crazy!

Octomom, who is living off public assistance and the revenues from her ever-frequent television interviews, has fired the free nursing service that was helping care for her kids.

Octomom will instead pay a nursing service, since when you’re  a single mother raising 14 children, you’ve always got some extra cash to throw at a nursing service.

Apparently Octomom was concerned (paranoid) that the free nursing service was spying on her and reporting back to child welfare agencies. Yeah, good mothers who aren’t complete hot messes always have this fear.

So far, the hospital has only released four of the octuplets to her care.

In a new video with RadarOnline, Octomom discusses the octuplets’ father, which she described as a man with whom she has a long-term Platonic relationship with and whom also fathered her other six children.  She stated the father was upset when he learned Octomom was having 8 more children. (Was anyone excited about these kids except for Octo-crazy?)

Octomom has no intention of revealing the man’s identity, however, and that apparently goes for everyone: at one point in the video, the voice of an off-camera child can be heard asking, “What’s his name?” Octomom did not respond.

Trivia: “Octomom” returns 1.75 million hits on Google. Octomom’s real name, Nadya Suleman, returns 633,000. Ouch.

Can’t I Just Pay Someone To Say My Prayers For Me?!

Yes, you can!

Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget.

We use state of the art text to speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.

Get that? If  you’re too busy to actually be religious, you can pay to (allegedly) have some computer (probably located in the basement of a web-savvy 13-year-old atheist) say your prayer for you. Of course, you’ll never have any proof that your prayers are actually being said, but that’s besides the point.

To ensure that your omniscient God knows who paid to have that computer “say” a prayer, IAP displays the purchaser’s name on the screen while the prayer is said.

Conveniently, (it is the information age, after all), IAP will allow you to subscribe to certain prayers so they’ll always be said – they’ll even initiate automatic re-billing! They’re so nice!

Check out the website to get the full crazy, complete with requisite cloud imagery (that’s where God is!).

Parking Fail