AskMen.com, which has 7 million unique readers a month, has an incredibly useful list of ways to tell the woman in your life she’s becoming a bit too chunky to be seen with your perfect washboard abs and head full of thick, luscious hair.
I had to quote from the blurbs occasionally because they’re just that good. SNL couldn’t write this shit if they tried. Let the countdown begin! (Note: these are not meant to be comedic.)
10 – Buy her clothes that are too small (“You might say, ‘Oh, I thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?'”)
09 – Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of “stress relief”
08 – Set out on your own weight loss plan
07 – Serve her unsatisfactory portions (“By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain…”)
06 – Improve your own diet
05 – Playfully grab her love handles
04 – Ask her to wear an old dress
03 – Sabotage her chair ( “…nothing says ‘better lose some weight’ like a broken chair.”)
02 – Leave “now” and “then” photos lying around
01 – Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
And remember: “if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: ‘Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?’ Of course you would, but she doesn’t need to know that.”
I don’t know how heteros ever manage to breed.
I mean, you’ve got men that have been made so fearful of talking to women about weight that, as an alternative, we’re telling them to force women to ask for second helpings or to orchestrate the “accidental” breaking of chairs? I almost don’t know who I feel worse for: the women or the men.