Breaking News: Butt-Slapper Terrorizing Subway Passengers!

serial butt slapper

Serial Butt Slapper

WPIX-11 (“Yes, we have news”) is reporting that since June 19, a SERIAL BUTT SLAPPER – pause and repeat – A SERIAL BUTT SLAPPER has been terrorizing women while riding the subway near stations in Crown Heights.

According to reports, the women said, “Harder!” but the man refused to slap “harder.”

No, I kid.

Apparently this subtlety-challenged individual has been leaving hand prints on all sorts of ladies’ asses aged 19-44, to which I say: Ageist! Sexist! Homophobe! Spread the love, asshole!

Honestly, though, I think these women need to calm down a little.  Groping is the new flirtatious eye contact. Get with the ’00’s. If I didn’t routinely fondle strangers on the D-train at 4:00 AM on a Saturday, I wouldn’t have had half the meaningful 6-hour fuck parties relationships I’ve had.

These woman have been whining like they were kicked in the uterus or something so the police have said they’re working weally, weally hard on the case (yeah, right) but admit they haven’t made any arrests and THE BUTT SLAPPER IS STILL AT LARGE.

CUE SCARY MUSIC!

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